I pledged my life-long commitment to a man, nine years ago, proclaiming, "I do."
Today, I drive back home as a widowed mother, in a darkness as loathsome as death himself, with two precious little princesses, so still, in the backseat of my car.
I last saw my parents on Christmas; my circumstance was different then. My only battles were against the financial strain of mortgage payments, and the cost of ballet classes at the private studio in town, for Angel and Scarlet. They were asleep now, but when they awoken, the questioning would begin, again. "Where is daddy, mommy?" mentally, I could hear Scarlet ask gently.
"When will he come join us at Grammy's house?" Angela would frown, baring her now aged, six milk-teeth. I do not know where I will begin, in explaining his disappearance from their lives. My heart has not made sense of it yet: it refuses to.
Gerald was a real hero. Even the day we met, I had watched him solve a dispute, outside a vibrant cocktail bar at the beach, between two impetuous men, who had resolved to, "take it outside," when a casual conversation turned into a mindless debate. I could not interpret the movement of his lips, into words, but his body was relaxed and his face was calm. The men walked away from each other, defeat painted heavily on their faces. I had obviously forgotten that I was staring at him, because he now walked in my direction, with a kind, curious expression on his face. He was not too tall, he wore black Havaianas, red shorts folded at the knee, and a white v-necked vest, Che Guevara staring sternly at me, framed perfectly by Gerald's lean arms. As he approached, I noticed a scar on his chin, I could not begin to imagine the story behind it- he already seemed so courageous, selfless.
He spoke, saying, "Hi- Gerald," he smiled, nodded and extended his hand. His voice was like gentle thunder, in a mild storm. His teeth were white, and told the story of a boy who wore braces throughout his schooling career.
Eight months later, we were sitting in my parents' dining room. My mother was beaming, she was undeniably fond of him. At that moment, I was as happy as I imagined a newly wed bride would be, yet we had only spoken about marriage twice, and sometimes just in passing.
Twenty-seven months, two weeks and five days after meeting each other's families: he invited me to coffee at our favorite café. When I arrived, the place was empty. I was early, Gerald would probably come soon, and we would drive to another coffee spot. Waterfront was beautiful. Perhaps Myatt Café & Chocolatier, had closed business in preparation for a special event later. I turned around, walking towards my dirty, once white Opel hatchback. I heard Gerald call my name, I turned, again, only to see him beckoning me to come join him inside the little shop. It looked as though they had closed for an auspicious event as I had predicted.
My heart began to dance.
The setup inside was whimsical. All the tables had been taken out, hidden elsewhere I assumed, except one, set in the center of the room. Gerald's guitar was in the newspaper corner, and Norah Jones sang, softly suggesting to come away with her, through the speakers mounted on the walls. Our table, had places set for two. The tease aroma of butternut, Danish feta and other lovely ingredients, led me to believe my favorite bruschetta was served, but hidden from my sight, by a glass jar, containing aged squares of paper- I looked in closer, curious. Every note, every little doodle and sometimes verse, that I had playfully written or drawn for him, was contained. I made a habit of leaving these little notes in his car; sometimes on his kitchen counter, or on his desk at the office.
He pulled my seat out for me, I sat, and he kneeled down beside me. At this, my heart did a dance I could not name: it was a strange fusion of the salsa, zulu dance and ballet.
"Love, we make a good team. I am okay alone, but I am better with you- see, you add to the quality of a person I am. The greatest things about us is, we're not just united in love, but we're purpose driven, by something greater than life itself. You are the essence of beauty. We are flawed, differently, and connect, more than just physically and mentally. This glass jar is yet a fraction full, with only my half of our memories shared, I want to add to this collection, together, for the rest of my life.
Join me in the challenge of filling it, and marry me?"
Dumbstruck, I looked deeper into the jar, then back at him, and reached out my hands, exclaiming,
"YES!"
Nine years later, and our marriage had only grown better with time; like a bottle of wine left to age in the security of a wine cellar.
Now, after spending two days on the road, I had finally reached home. My mother welcomed me with the warmth I had always known as unique to her alone. Emotions tugged at my heart's strings, sadness against joy, brokenness against deep pining. My vision became blurred, and my cheeks began to heat up, tickled by a warm, trickling sensation, "Hi mom."
"Grammy!" Angel and Scarlet had woken and raced out the car, to greet their grandmother, whose face now shone with a joy so sincere and great, it squeezed my heart tightly within.
We walked into the house, lugging our suitcases behind us- Gerald always took care of tasks of this nature. I felt a deep pain in my chest. The reality of his death was only beginning to settle now. His absence from our lives, now made permanent, dawned on me. At that moment, something in the substance of my soul shattered, broke. It gave in like a single pillar, left to withstand the pressure, and weight, of a structure fit for the support of four counterparts. I fell to the ground, letting out a moan that slowly turned into cries of agony, heartfelt anguish. I had wanted so badly, to be a pillar of strength for my daughters, but I had reached my breaking point. I was home, my mother would take care of things: she always managed to solve problems as they presented themselves.
My bedroom had not been interfered with since I left for University. Its pastel green walls, brought back memories of a teenage girl who had her future planned, right to her funeral. My story was not going to end the way I had hoped. Gerald, my dream husband and more, was gone. He had been shot while helping a teenage boy into the back of an ambulance. The gangs were out that night, news about their initiation of hopeful new members had been broadcasted frequently on the radio. Gerald was caught in the crossfire: they shot at him for attempting to help a victim of their wild behavior.
The aroma of freshly baked bread, and cinnamon butternut soup, wafted into my old room, through the door which Scarlet had left open as she dropped her luggage off in a hurry.
This would do. Being home always simplified even my most complex of situations. I would mourn, and then heal- right here, now as a widowed mother of two, and daughter.
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Returning Home: A Short Story
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Tuesday, 22 January 2013
Revolution Through The Eyes Of A Teenager.
South Africa, my country.
I was born here, I live here, and I bear the marks of my country's history; a history so rich, and well known, a few Americans could tell you the name of at least one of our presidents, with all the pleasant, vague conviction in their hearts- thank you Tata Mandela!
My parents keep reminding me of how far our country has come as a nation, a mass community.
There will always be the occasional racist individual, a whole town in some cases, but not much can be done for another person's ignorance, or insecurity.
In many ways, I am being taught to look past color, and see the content within.
South African history is a topic our government ensures we are all very familiar with.
For as long as I remember, we have been taught the dates of significant events, and given many 'bits' of information on the tragdey that once was, Apartheid- over and over.
I don't remember, not once, hearing about a white, indian, asian or colored person, in our history lessons that is, who faught actively in the struggle, for the equality of all men.
That kind of information is left in textbooks, on dusty library shelves, in schools, where the curious learner will go, to read in detail, the ins and outs of politics in that day.
As for the rest of the student population, as far as their concerned: Apartheid was for the black and white communities alone, and maybe just a little for the other races.
Now, I turn 18 next year, just in time to vote(if my calculations are correct), and for a while, I have been thinking about who I would vote for, if I was given the opportunity.
In grade 7, four years ago, I decided that the Democratic Alliance would win my vote: "hands down".
Hellen Zille just seemed to have it 'all together', it always seemed that, no other name appeared on the front page of my dad's newspapers as often as Jacob Zuma's did, with negative headlines, causing me to question why a whole nation would vote for the 'bad guy".
All he had afterall, was a few catchy songs/anthems and a good number of scandals to his name.
The news would show, just before our family soapie, Generations, telling news of children going to school under the shelter of trees branches; families waiting for many years for RDP(Reconstruction and Development Programme) houses they had registered for; corruption; sacks of money being spent on decorating the country for an event that wouldn't generate equal profit, etc.
How I disliked this president! He was 'unwise', and selfish: how could children not have their own desks like me?.. and air-conditioners in their classrooms as I did?
Today, I see tweets about Zuma declaring that caring for pets is unAfrican, when, what he really meant was, in my opinion:
For a person to care more about an animal than they do for a person, is unAfrican. Someone explained it this way: a person(Angelique) owns a dog, and has a maid(Zodwa). Zodwa earns whatever amount per month, and Chase(let's call the dog that) is probably consuming the same amount in food; baths at the dog parlour and check-ups at the vet. Spot feels sick, and needs to have an operation performed on him, costing ±R6000. Angelique, without thought, willingly swipes her debit card to save her dog's life, yet Zodwa, the woman who raised Angie's children, washes her underwear, sacrifices mornings to send her children off to school and feeds Spot, has to count months before she can say she has that amount of money to her name; or the simple scenario of a dog given the front seat in a bakkie, and a worker, put in the back.
That is unAfrican: to value animal life, over any human life, whatever the color.
The DA now governs the Western Cape. I have only made it to Cape Town, and boy, what a city!
The beaches are impeccably clean, there are very few/no potholes, I see people riding horses to the nearby store to get bread, and everything just seems all THAT much better- yet, when you fly in, there's a beautiful aerial sight, of lovely homes, each with a sparkling blue swimming pool, a car/two and a lush, green garden- a few minutes over, is a large block, of run-down shacks, little mounds of litter, a sense of abandonment and hostility- unkempt basketball courts, and patchy soccer fields.
But how?
I keep hearing the DA, pointing out all the faults of the ANC, but don't recall a time when news broke out, about things the DA is doing to improve the situation of the poorer majority in their province. Hellen, and Lindi may march occassionally with the masses, endorsing the image of a genderly and racially equal country.
When I see Cape Town, I don't think South Africa. In my head, it's better than that.
When I see little shacks though, and a large population, struggling to make ends meet, it makes me question how, "out of this world or country", rather, Cape Town is.
Their services are up to scratch, and they are highly efficient in the public's eyes, but to uSis' Aviwe, living in a shack in a Khayelitsha, with her 5 children, what is the DA?
It's a never ending struggle.
The ANC, the party of my parents and grandparents, is no longer built on integrity, justice, passion and respect. Instead, it seems like a party of children on the playground, declaring, "every man for himself", and running off into their different corners and hiding places for 'den', never looking back to see who is 'on', and going to make sure the game is played. We find that certain sectors do better than others. It is as if, our ruling party is a team of players who constantly need to be reminded that there is no 'i' in team, and no justice in self gratification, before a nation you promised to have best interests politically for.

They keep a good image, but under all the perfume, manicured nails and make-up, they hide a majority community of people(I said people), living like strangers or squatters, in their own land.
I want to know who to vote for. I wish these political parties would give me a reason to mark that x next to the formal portrait of either of their leaders.
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Sunday, 7 October 2012
We Create: Film, Clothing & Art.
Blades of grass, bowl haircuts & linoleum prints.
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
I Am African.
Rich in melanin supply, and wealthy in culture and tradition: I am.
We spent the whole night learning and practicing dance sequences and songs, woke up a few hours later to bath in a nearby stream(which I politely avoided) and sang, for meat! It was fantastic. There was a group of girls(namely, virgins) who came specifically to entertain guests with traditional dance and singing. Observing it was fun, but stirred some insecurity within my heart. Here I was, somewhere in a crowd of my people, yet I felt so out of place: I knew just one song, and could not throw my leg in the air high enough for the life of me! I felt awkward and like an alien to my own culture; to everything my country says I should be. How black am I really?
I'm somewhere in this picture, half in the shot in a yellow vest on the left.
I can say, with confidence that my parents have done a good job at raising me, and helping me turn out 'right', but they may have forgotten to add something to the identity they created for me. Culture! I cannot explain the turmoil I felt when I got home and had a brief reflection of the weekend behind me. I found myself asking God who He says I am, what I am, and what the heck being african is, if the color of my skin and the language I spoke wasn't enough. Heck. Did I think I was better than everyone else, or was I shamefully over westernized? I needed some answers.
Just this past week, I've been serving at a holiday club for primary school children in the Addington area, Durban, through my church(Westville Baptist, which I must mention is quite awesome!). They have an influx of children from all over Africa: Congo, Zimbabwe, Nigeria, Mozambique etc.
I've been studying their faces, skin tones, language and smiles and have found that they are so precious!
The bible tells us that God loves us, equally. What the bible says, we should believe because it is from God, but with the political histories of the world, prejudice and undeniable racism, this idea of equality has become hard to understand.
I have also believed, for most of my life, that 'white people'(this is said with no intentional offense to anyone, in South Africa this is usually okay) are superior. They have always had better hair, skin, bodies and more inventions(according to my old self). I used to dread being black(this too, is normal), and rejected anything that identified me with this race. Absurd! I know. I only ever heard black people say, 'Black is beautiful' and scorned at other races who praised our culture.
Many times, I got into arguments with people who believed otherwise about culture and traditional practices. Black pride, afrocentrism, what was that to me? It meant nothing. I must admit, it still has little value in my life, but I soon realized that I was focussing on the wrong thing: myself, and everyone else, and had never thought to put God in the equation- the very Being who created all of this!
In the bible, I do not recall God ever proclaiming more love for one nation over another. Everything He does and says is out of love, and justice(which He gives of freely and equally because He is perfect), which we cannot understand.
Okay. So, how black am I really?
Very! Completely, utterly, fully, 500% black.
Why?
My skin says so. My heart does too. The food I eat. The way I relate with my parents, community and friends. My naturally tightly curled hair. I'm always late! The languages I speak. My history. My past. My present. My future. But most importantly, God says so: not that I am black(that does not really matter), but that I am His; one of His own, a princess; royalty because He took me in as one of His; a righteous King, called an unworthy, mostly sinful child to sit on His lap.
I am black, undeniably.
but most importantly:
I am God's own, and I am called to live like His little princess.
Friday, 8 June 2012
Smitten: A Man Who Loves Me Perfectly
Love.
A word interpreted so differently by millions of individuals.For some, it is physical; others, emotional; or, a commodity to be bought and a whole range of other fleshy 'feelings'.
Perfection.
A word the human brain can only imagine, or dream of. God is perfect, and that's it, period.
But, what image of perfection can we connect with this word, when we haven't seen God's face?
Only the love we've experienced at His hands and the journey we have had with Him, in an interactive relationship. Our hearts have an image of perfection, God, but our brains.. Oh man, I don't think they have the capacity to contain such a reality.
The Man.
The only Being in this universe capable of loving a person, perfectly. God takes this love issue to a whole new level. Why wouldn't He, He created it! God, this most beautiful King, shows us His perfection, His flawless character, His justice, peace, grace(oh I like this word!) and never-changing love.God loves perfectly. I experienced it myself.
I have learnt from past experience, that love will not always be pleasant, in fact, that it should not be.
As it is, our Dad calls us to love people, I haven't read, not once, a scripture in the Bible that calls us to like people. Love is an eternal state of the heart, and mind: it is a decision.
God's love is made perfect by Him. He is just and wants only the best for us
Sometimes, we turn away from Him, giving Him the finger and tell Him to, 'Take a hike Old Guy!', with our actions. God, being the bigger person(literally), does not retaliate by striking us down with fiery bolts of lightning at that very moment, but lets us go instead, yet He never lets go or loses hope about our return. He beckons us to come back into our Dad's arms for a warm embrace; for the eternal well-being of our souls. He never abuses or interferes with our freewill and continues to pour out His grace on us.
God, whose helplessly in love with His creation, sacrificed Himself for a dying world that had distanced itself from Him, its own Creator.
He loves without reservation, equally. He loves freely.
Smitten.
I am. Well, see it's quite a story. I love God, but have always understood that He loves me more, in such abundance. I fell in love with the idea of God. The idea of a relationship with Him, the idea of an unglamourous life and complete contentment with His will for my life.
But, the action of engaging in this relationship, without any selfish agendas, was far from me.
Not for long.God, knocked me off my feet and romanced me. He told me I was beautiful, that I had great purpose and that He would capture my heart, make it new, fill it with love; joy; peace; kindness; goodness; faithfulness; gentleness and a tot of self-control. He held my hand, firmly, and told me that I was His exquisite work, His own little princess and that I deserved only the best.
With that information, I began to search, I was determined to find my 'Best'. I looked, not for long, and found someone that seemed to fit just perfectly. A creation whose heart reflected Jesus. Boy, did that draw me in! I pursued my own idea of what God wanted for me, after conveniently forgetting that God had everything under control.
Of course I did not forget God in my desperate pursuit. I asked Him for strange things, politely thanked Him for everything I could think of and began to do some extravagantly good deeds. No-one knew about them but I was doing an excellent job at attempting to bribe God, which was, in hindsight, a thorough waste of time. Here I was, a little brat of a teenage girl, trying to twist my Father(who controls the activities of a wholes universe!)'s arm, into giving me my 'toy', that I felt I deserved already; I can imagine God grimacing at the image of my heart, shaking His head in disappointment, and just looking ahead in time to see the part where I get it; when I surrender and give it all back to Him to handle again.
I am there now. In fact, I have just arrived, and krikey(!), have I made a mess of things! I was on the verge of destroying a wholesome friendship for what I felt was right, but had never bothered to ask my Dad about. I sinned, lying to God about my heart's intentions and took control of my life again, after willingly handing it over and committing to submitting to God's will for my life.
Intermission.
I've always seen this term in the middle of old school Bollywood movies. I have never 'Googled' the word, but I can describe the feeling: a breath of fresh air, a time to relax your over-heating brain. Just before the climax of the story, when you're left to wonder whether Sharukh will meet his lover again or if her family will marry her off to the jerk of a rich a boy before Sharukh finds her. (Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge: my memory of it is a bit rusty.)
It's a bit like grace, a breath of fresh air. When things are certain to go wrong but you can be sure that they will work out for your good if you only hand them over to God to fix, because He knows exactly what you need!
It's only because of God's sacrificial love and grace that I can turn over the page and start a new chapter.
I shall name it:
Surrender. Trust. Patience. Growth.
God's grace is poured out on you, like an inescapable shower of rain that drenches you to the knickers.
Embrace His grace. It will blow your expectations of the life He has planned for you!
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Not All That Shines Is Beautiful
God took time to create us, one by one.
The bible says in Jeremiah 1:5 (NLT)
“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” God, the same Being who holds time in His hand, created this universe and single handedly takes care of over 6 billion human beings plus another +30 million living organisms(that is yet a wild guess), took time time to create us, one by one and make provision for us.
Beauty according to the secular world in comparison to God's original idea, is daringly different. While we may seek beauty from the outside in(excuse the cliche), God sees through our flesh, searches our hearts, and sees vessels worth an infinite amount.
We fall short, tremendously but His grace catches us midair and sets us back where we should be: in the palm of His hand or somewhere, loosely frolicking in the great expanse of His Holy-oh-so-frighteningly-clean-mostly-perfect robe.
The point is, we were an originally beautiful creation, until sin came into the picture and removed us from God, but could never take that characteristic away from us. Immersed in sin, is treasure only God possesses a map marked 'X' for. Jesus makes us beautiful again, by taking the sin we would be condemned for as His own.
Here are lyrics to a song(and the video above) by Gungor, that's been in my heart this past weekend:
Gungor - Beautiful Things
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Charity Begins At Home
Imagine if we could have recycling bins for every road in our immediate area. It's nothing too hard to do.
Try to raise awareness about environmental conservation at your next Neighborhood Watch meeting. If there is enough interest, your community can make an equal contribution towards purchasing a set of bins to separate your waste. Whose responsibility it is to make sure the waste is taken to the places necessary, can be shared. Write up a roster of who has to 'take out the trash' every week.
Here's a website with helpful information about recycling depots. Check it out:
http://www.faithful-to-nature.co.za/Recycling-Index-sp-5.html
Try to raise awareness about environmental conservation at your next Neighborhood Watch meeting. If there is enough interest, your community can make an equal contribution towards purchasing a set of bins to separate your waste. Whose responsibility it is to make sure the waste is taken to the places necessary, can be shared. Write up a roster of who has to 'take out the trash' every week.

Here's a website with helpful information about recycling depots. Check it out:
http://www.faithful-to-nature.co.za/Recycling-Index-sp-5.html
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